i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
so much tequila, so little girl.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
