That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
