when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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