So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
