She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
