just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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