woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
