I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
