Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
