Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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