we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
