Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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