his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
