I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
