Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Operation Purity has been aborted
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
