You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
