Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I spit up blood this morning
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.