Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
