Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
