If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
