sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
