I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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