If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
