you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
