You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
