My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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