I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize