Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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