just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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