Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
