How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
