mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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