i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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