he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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