ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
