it was like having sex with a tree stump
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
