He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I look better un-naked...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
