I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
