Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
