What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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