non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
