i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
