Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
