I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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