So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
