From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
