found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
