If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
