My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
