I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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