I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
