she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
