I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
