Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
