I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
