on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
