remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
