Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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