If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
