Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
